{sigh, wipe eyes}

When am I going to stop tearing up when "Amigos Para Sempre" by Andrew Lloyd Webber plays? It describes so well the kind of close friendship that lasts a lifetime. {pause}

That's the kind of friend I lost last summer, when cancer took her far too soon. {wistful look}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

I hope I’m back

{peek in} Anyone still here? I do hope so! {tentative smile}

I’m very sorry that I disappeared for so long. {bite lips} I kind of fell sick last summer, and only got well again last month. Oh, I wasn’t sick with the same thing the whole time. At least four illnesses managed to overlap in a way that I wasn’t well for entirely too long. {apologetic smile}

Anyway, I am better now. So I’m trying to rebuild my life without taking on too much at once. I’m probably being too careful about taking things slowly, but I’d rather fight some frustration and boredom than risk a relapse. {wry smile}

Anyway, I’m now trying to get back to reading my friends’ blogs, and at least occasionally writing in my own. I do hope this works, because I’ve missed everyone quite a bit. {Hopeful Smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

A request for recommendations

I've noticed a troubling theme in fantasy and science fiction stories. At least it troubles me as a handicapped woman. {bite lips}

When the heroine is handicapped, she doesn't get a romantically satisfying ending as far as I'm concerned. I don't think it's because I'm being too fussy. Wine, roses, champagne, and the like aren't required. All I want is for her to end up with a guy who, if he were direct enough, could honestly say "I could go it on my own, or find someone else, but I'd rather stay here with you." The only gal I know of is Myste in Mercedes Lackey's Heralds of Valdemar series, and she's the hero's love interest than a major character in her own right. {smile}

Handicapped guys can find gals like that. It doesn't happen often, but there's Carradoc of the Shrunken Arm in King Arthur's legends, Tannim in Mercedes Lackey's Serrated Edge series, Alberich in Mercedes Lackey's Heralds of Valdemar series, Gryffin in The Dream-Maker's Magic by Sharon Shinn, Philip Guthrie in Hope's Folly by Linnea Sinclair, Miles Vorkosigan in Lois McMaster Bujold's Vor series, and a few others I don't remember quite well enough to fetch the books for. {smile}

Now don't get me wrong: this is good. Handicapped guys need the encouragement too, and I'm very glad they're getting it. However... when it's a gal who has a handicap, she's practically never that lucky. I've seen more ways for this to get messed up than I ever expected:

1) The gal ends up with no romantic involvement.

2) The gal doesn't settle down with a guy until her handicap has been fixed, so she's no longer handicapped.

3) The gal settles down on a planet where her handicap isn't a handicap. (Who cares if you're deaf when every non-deaf human has to wear deafening earplugs to keep the local inhabitants from piercing their ear drums with their loud calls?)

4) The gal finds a guy, but they're united by a magical, psychic, biological, etc. bond they have no control over. This bond tends to ensure the guy either can't "make it" with the vast majority of otherwise eligible females, or can't happily settle down with anyone else. If the gal he finds happens to be handicapped, he courts her anyway. {lop-sided smile}

What's wrong with these stories? Nothing individually. None of them quite fit the romantic attitude I'm looking for, but I don't expect every story to end the way I'd like. The problem is that I haven't found any that do work out well. All the stories that don't work out well get frustrating when I look at them together, with so little to balance them out. {pause, bite lips}

That's why I'm asking for recommendations. I haven't read everything out there. Maybe I've missed something, or forgotten something. Does anyone know any science fiction or fantasy stories where a handicapped gal settles down with a guy who stays with her because he wants her, even tho he has the normal range of choices? He doesn't have to be in perfect condition himself. I'm counting both Alberich and Myste when they find each other. {smile}

I'm hoping there's more out there that I've missed, one way or another. {wistful smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Hope?

Well, we haven't called the doctor. This is not a bad thing. {smile}

On Sunday around bedtime, Dad brought up something he remembered about his older sister, my aunt Kitty, having trouble with flushing when she was taking niacin. I am taking niacin for my balance, so he thought that might be involved.

One thing led to another, and we discovered that I am not taking 250mg of time-release niacin like one of my doctors suggested. The current bottle is not time-release; it's all at once. I'm pretty sure I remember that my doctor specified time-release to reduce trouble with flushing and burning sensations, as well as to improve it's effects on my balance.

I found some time-release niacin like I'm supposed to take. I haven't taken it yet. Monday I didn't take any niacin beyond that found in my vitamins. I wanted to give my system a chance to calm down. It didn't get a long chance. I started having balance trouble after 10pm on Tuesday, so I took one time-release niacin pill just now. I do hope it works, and doesn't cause any flushing. We'll have to see what happens. If necessary, the flushing was worse than the balance. However, I don't think time-release niacin caused flushing before. {cross fingers hopefully, {smile}

So far I haven't had any flushes since I stopped the other niacin. However, it's only two days; that's too soon to tell. Last week I don't remember what happened Sunday and Monday. However, I do know I had one Tuesday morning, one Saturday morning, and no bad ones in between. That's longer than I've been off niacin so far. {resigned smile}

I'm hopeful - much more hopeful than I was when my doctor prescribed vitamin D. This might not be the full story. I am beginning to near the expected age for menopause, after all. Still, this looks promising. Even if it just cuts out the painfully burning flushes, that would be such and improvement! I hope I'd get my life back if I got rid of those. {Smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

{steadying sigh}

Well, yesterday Dad managed to get the test results out of a nurse at my doctor's office.

Thyroid: normal
Pituitary hormones: normal
Vitamin B12: normal
Vitamin D: LOW

So my doctor wants to put me on theraputic levels of vitamin D, and run another test in a few weeks.

I know that Vitamin D deficiency can be a serious problem. I'm too old for rickets, but it can increase tendencies for osteoporosis and other bone trouble. I don't want that. However, I don't think Vitamin D affects hot flushes/flashes much. I can't find anything that claims it does, and Dad doesn't know of any connection, either. {half-smile}

I had another nasty hot flush yesterday morning. I couldn't go to the air conditioned room a few rooms away. I couldn't clear the table. I couldn't even get up to turn on a fan, or pour a glass of ice water. I had to wait for my parents to get those to help me cool down.

Mom picked up the Vitamin D this morning. I've taken two pills today, and will continue to do so. However... if I have another bad flush, my doctor will get a call that hopefully will make it clear that waiting a few weeks to do anything more for the flushes is unacceptable. {grimace} I don't feel I can take on any new projects until they're fixed somehow. That includes applying for a librarian position that's come up at the university. The deadline is in November, so I can't expect them to get
fixed in time. My health is just too unreliable when a single flush knocks out a whole morning, or a whole evening. {resigned look}

I just want my life back. {Sigh}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

{peek in}

{peek in} Hello. {smile}

I'm sorry I've been neglecting my blog recently. I'm afraid this summer has been all too interesting on the medical front, as some of you already know. {rueful smile}

I had a really nasty reaction to a medication in July; it took me half a week to identify, and three weeks after going off to feel reasonably like myself again. Then in the first week of August, I had a panting-and-coughing-up-pink-mucous attack that was diagnosed as a panic attack, but followed by a similar attack without the worry.

The week after that, I had a really nasty hot flush, during which I blacked out. My doctor noticed that my diabetes was acting up. so she decided to treat that as the most likely cause of hot flashes. Well, the blood sugar levels responded favorably to the insulin she prescribed. The hot flushes did not. I've had a few near black-out since.

So my doctor is now beginning to look into the flushes. I'm... not handling waiting for test results as well as I'd like. {half-smile} I've caught myself being far too sensitive this weekend. I just hope my friends will understand. {tentative smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

No computer virus? {cross fingers hopefully}

Well... I hope I've come thru the computer virus attacks safely. I read all the advice offered, figured out which I could do without messing up, and which sounded reasonable. Fortunately, the stuff I could do mostly sounded like reasonable precautions. The most alarming solutions were beyond my limited computer skills anyway. {Smile}

So I did what I could. This might have closed a couple of loopholes in my computer's anti-virus defenses. {cross fingers hopefully, smile} Even better, the virus warnings quit, and no repeating "new tricks" turned up. I hope those are good signs. {cross fingers} It's certainly how I'd hope a non-infected computer would behave. {Smile}

If things stay calm for a while, I think I'll count this successful. If not, I'll take the computer to the Computer Store and pay them to look it over. They're the locals I know who I trust to really fix my computer's problems, and not just replace current problems with different ones. {lop-sided Smile}

Now to get back to trying to catch up with the blogs and journals I like to follow. {SMILE}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Eye Strain

I don't know quite how I got it, but I've had a notable case of eye strain for the better part of a week. Contributing causes we've tracked down so far include dust and mold. (Both are long-standing allergies that tend to make stuff like this worse, if not cause it outright.) Also, I strongly suspect staring intently at the computer screen while playing a particular game, tho I don't feel that this is confirmed quite yet. {lop-sided smile}

I'm now trying to reduce computer time. Cutting out the game is a test of my will-power. So is cutting out the card games and such I like to play. On the other hand, I doubt email will suffer much. LiveJournal, Blogger, and newsgroups might, but I hope not much. I don't want the essentials to suffer; I just want to cut back to them for a while. {Smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Turning 40

The age of 40 has such a terrible reputation, I guess I expected to feel a little different somehow. Never mind that I never felt different on previous birthdays. Never mind that I regularly forget how old I am, so I often have to stop and calculate if somebody actually asks. I still expected to feel different. {Smile}

(Yes, I forget my age. Do you realize how infrequently a woman gets asked her age in modern American culture? At most, I get to answer this a few times a years, and sometimes that's because I brought up the subject. {look UP Giggle, BIG GRIN})

Anyway, I expected to feel a little different somehow. I don't. 40 feels a awful lot like 39 did to me. {BIG SMILE}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Birthday weekend

This past weekend was my birthday weekend. My birthday was actually on Sunday. However, we celebrated it on Saturday, with presents at breakfast and a nice dinner with cake that evening. Sunday just looked to be too busy to squeeze anything else into. {Smile}

Of course, once Sunday came around, every single event that made it looked busy fell thru. So my actual birthday ended up very relaxing indeed. {REALLY BIG GRIN}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Dad yet again

Dad saw the doctor again. He still should keep his leg up, but he does not have to go back. Also, he may now drive. {pause, sigh}

Thank god. Now maybe life can begin to return to normal. {pause} I hate to complain when Dad has been hurting, and Mom busy keeping everything going, but this pretty totally wrecked what little off-line social life I have. It got bad enough, it was hard not to withdraw online as well. (I do hate when that happens.) I don't think I entirely avoided doing that. {small smile}

I'm hoping things will return to normal soon. {cross fingers, small smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Dad saw the doctor

Yes, Dad saw the doctor early this afternoon. The doctor took a look at the knee, and promptly numbed it up. Then he took out a great big clot. He did not close it up; he wants it to be able to drain if necessary. Apparently the knee has been hurting so much this weekend because it has been continuing to hemorrhage very slowly this weekend.

Anyway, the doctor put on a pressure bandage. He will look at the knee again Thursday afternoon. Dad is resting in his bedroom now. It hurts, but the pressure that he felt isn't there. He's counting that in improvement. {worn smile} What I count as an improvement is the relief I see when I look at Dad. He was pretty tense yesterday, and that's gone. I hope we're past the worst now. {another worn smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

General update

Early this month, the bees were gone from the woodpile. So were over half the termites. So was two thirds of the wood. A couple of days ago, the rest of the termites and most of the rest of the wood followed them. No, we haven't had any bonfires. Dad faced up to reality, and asked our yardman to haul the wood to the dump in his truck. Dad insisted on paying twenty bucks for gas per trip. {smile} The only wood left now is a few old mamani logs. They aren't going to the dump. They seem to be insect free, so the yardman wants them for his woodcarving. Dad's happy to do it. He's {Smile}

Dad fell down in church last Sunday. He saw the doctor Monday, because the left knee was really swollen. He has a hematoma there. It probably needs surgery. Due to a severe doctor shortage in Hawai'i, the surgeon can't see him until Monday. He saw his main doctor again today (Friday), and complained about all the pain. He's been laid up all week. His doctor sent him to a semi-retired orthopedist who doesn't do surgery any more. He was able to remove an ounce of fluid, but the rest of the swelling is a big clot that will have to be removed surgically. Dad's in marginally less pain now. At this point we're hoping that when he finally sees the surgeon on Monday, the fellow won't insist on waiting another week or two to operate. {disgusted look}

I keep praying for Dad. Unfortunately, my prayers have yet to be answered the way I'd like. {small smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Church musings

I've been thinking about church. There's something... I'm not comfortable there, and I really should be. I've been there all my life. {pause}

I think I need a change. Not a major one, but... I feel restless.

I'm toying with becoming a deacon. the Diaconate has fascinated me since I learned that some deacons never become priests. {pause} I'm not sure it's right for me, tho. I'd have some trouble reading the gospel without falling over, more getting to the pulpit to take a turn at preaching, and yet more trying to get up to the altar to assist the priest in the Eucharist. {pause} I know there's much more to being a deacon than helping in the service. They study the bible in depth, and reach out to the community in various ways. However, do I need to be ordained for that? Some form of lay ministry may suit my abilities and my congregation's needs better. I really don't think they need to add ramps all over the sanctuary so I can get around. {Smile}

I just wish I knew what was the right choice for me. {Smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

Woodpile residents

We have a problem in our woodpile. It has termites. So we need to get rid of the whole thing, and it's pretty big. Mom and Dad decided that they don't want to throw it across the street into the swamp; it's far too close to our house. They don't want to take it all to the dump, either. The dump is across town, and the woodpile would be several loads worth. With gas already over $4 a gallon here, they'd rather avoid that if possible. {half-smile} They don't want to heat up the house by burning it in the inside fireplace; not in the summer heat. So Dad has begun burning the kindling in the little outside fireplace where the barbeques dinner at times. {smile}

There was just one problem: whenever he did that, he heard angry buzzing from a carpenter bee behind by the woodpile. One seemed to be living in the woodpile, and she didn't like us disturbing her nice home. They're generally gentle bees, but we're disturbing her home... Dad decided to kill her before she attacked us for disturbing her home. Besides, the hole one makes in wood to make a home is an excellent starting place for termites. It's too late for this woodpile, but we don't want too many around. {wry smile}

So anyway, Dad decided to get rid of the carpenter bee before he got to that part of the woodpile. He went out two evenings ago, and sprayed the hole he found in the end of one log. When we checked yesterday, we found more bees - at least two females and a male - and at least nine other holes. Dad went out last night, and sprayed all the holes he saw, using almost all the wasp killer we have.

We checked today. Mom saw one bee, then she saw two bees, both kind of going around behind something, like their holes were back where Dad hadn't looked. I only saw one bee doing that, but she swerved in about a foot away from me, doing a convincing enough portrayal of an angry bee to convince me to go back inside the house. I didn't want her to start bumping me aggressively, let alone stinging! They're big!

Now Dad is thinking about what to do next. I hope he thinks of something soon! {odd smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin

The Hilo Woman's Club We Care Teddy Bears Club (and car trouble)

Well, I guess it's official. Mom and I have joined the Hilo Woman's Club's We Care Teddy Bear Club. {Smile} We attended our first meeting this morning. Mom was going to drive us down. However, her car wouldn't start. So Dad drove us down. He dropped us off, and we tried to get in. There were two garages right in front, side by side. However, Mom spotted a gate to oneside, so she went thru it. It went to a back porch. Nobody was obvious, but there were lots of stairs. So I went back to the driveway. I spotted Dad driving past, so I waved to him, and explained we were having a little trouble finding anyone. He offered to come back and wait for us, just incase. Shortly before he did, Mom waved to me. So I told Dad we were okay. Mom led me down a long, narrow path between the garages, and up two steps, and another, and another, into the house. They didn't even have railings, but I managed; my balance is doing better these days, and there was a convenient post I could hang onto by the two steps. {Smile}

Once inside, there were no more steps between the entrance and the dining room. So we sat around the dining room table, and started talking. Then we started tying bows on stuffed animals while we continued to talk. It was just Mom, the club president, and me. I wondered a bit, but continued to tie bows. Then the president wanted to show us some of the other animals. We debated. I'm not that good at stairs, but I did want to see the animals. I eventually decided to try it. She led us over to the stairs, which we'd passed on the way in. They were steeper than usual, but they had good, sturdy railings. So we tried it, and it worked. She went up, and took us into a room where she had more animals some school kids had fixed up. She said she had even more in another room. I wanted to see them while I was up there, but she didn't want to fix them up first, since they weren't even washed. So we went back down. I found the steps were steep enough, I couldn'twalk down forwards. I had to face backwards and find the next step mostly by feel. That did work; I didn't have to sit down and lower myself step by step like a two-year-old. However, I'm not going up those steps again, no matter how many animals she has to show me while I'm there.

Back downstairs, we continued to talk. The president continued to tie bows. Mom found a dog who needed some shout, and a frog who had some things taken off her. I found a dog whose nose was half off, and a brand new bunny who needed her tags snipped off and her tail sewed back on. I was working on the bunny when Dad showed up to pick us up. The president invited him inside, and we asked him to tie a necktie on this one animal. None of us could remember how, and Mom felt a few animals should have more masculine decorations. {SMILE} So Dad sat and tied neckties. Mom finished the frog and started on more bows. The president did more bows, too, and I finished fixing the rabbit's tail. {Smile}

Then Dad took us home. Mom went inside for a few things, then went back out as Dad got out the jumper cables, and prepared to fix Mom's car. Just before he connected them, he told Mom to try to start her car one last time.

It started easily, tho it made a funny noise. Mom drove down tot the service station to ask them what was happening with her car. They ran a few tests, and decided the alternator was fine, but the battery was weak. So now Mom has a new battery just like Dad's. {Smile}

If you're wondering what the Hilo Woman's Club's We Care Teddy Bear Club does with all those stuffed animals, we give them away to "children and adults who need a hug." The club started by giving them to the police to keep in their cars, so they have one when they meet a kid who needs comfort in the course of their work. The club got many, many more bears than the police here can use. So the club has branched out to underprivileged children, fire trucks, nursing homes, domestic violence help centers, adult day care, doctor's offices, and giving them to other charities for prizes and such. The president even gave some away as Halloween favors last year. She hadn't thought of many of these options yet, and she felt her house was so full of bears and other stuffed animals, she has to do something! {Smile} If it's still full enough of animals, she'll probably do that again this year. {SMILE}

The one place we don't give them to is the hospital. They insist the animals would need to be sterilized, and that's beyond our cleaning skills. {lop-sided smile}

Anne Elizabeth Baldwin